Originally Cont’d from Steroids Pushed as Far as the Eye can See 2-5-10
I’ve developed a fear of changes I’ve been forced to make, and have a concern with the almost constant pain in the bad eye. It’s a low threshold of irritation, but a pain, nevertheless, that is taking more of a toll on me. Like headaches. Nothing acute, but a numbing sensation that increases as my blood pressure rises, or as my heart beat increases, creating a throbbing pain. And a lack of book reading. That can be a real pain, particularly, to someone who reads a lot. I can’t stay focused on reading anything at great length. I tire easily. Have to “shut down” the bad eye more and more.
And then there’s the inability to see “anything” on my left side without having to turn my head completely to the left. I have no peripheral vision on my left. It hit home when I rode as a passenger in a car, and my son, Nick, was talking to me while driving. He made some hand gestures, normal everyday use of his arms and hands, and I was unable to “pick up” on what he was saying. I could not “see” the body language he was using from the drivers’ side of the car, my left side.
It was frustrating. I had to stop him from continuing. And, I told him of my inability to understand him. He repeated what he said, and, then — looking at him full face — I was able to “see” what he was “saying.”
Worse yet, is driving a car by myself. I get an uneasy feeling when I have to go into a passing lane. Not sure if I have seen all that my “blind side” has prevented me from seeing. I turn my head fully to the left, stretching my neck even further, uncertain and unsure whether a vehicle is pulling along side of me. The fear escalates as I take that extra millisecond. My attention at this time has just been diverted from the road ahead of me, in front of the car, and I imagine I am about to crash, or worse yet, hit someone.
I can not drive long distances. It’s becoming more of an exhaustion. Taking so much out of me. Tiring me. Never thought the impairment of one of the five senses would do something like this, but I guess the other parts work overtime to compensate for the less productive relative.
Want to know the best part of this eye injury? Having to slow down. Close both eyes. Rest.
I mean, rest in a meditative state, that is. It is such a pleasure to have an excuse to close one’s eyes while in public without having anyone think you’re odd. I’m meditating in restaurants now. I’ve meditated at the hospital and at clinics waiting to see nurses and doctors. Even meditated at the local CVS Pharmacy while waiting for a prescription to be filled.
Got a patch over the left eye. A black patch. Gives me a built-in reason to close both eyes. I don’t care what people might think. They focus on the patch, the one with the sinister, pirate look. And because of their inattention to the rest of me, I can now simply “drop” right into that special zone that normally took me long minutes to reach. I’m getting good at touching bliss as a “one-eyed Jack.” And I do believe I’m seeing a silver lining now where others might only have seen darkness.