The Maiden: I felt quite empty for the last few days, as if I was waiting for something to fill me up, elevate me to a passionate state. I can’t say that I’ve ever felt like this for a prolonged amount of time…I’m wondering what’s coming next.
The Foolish Knight: You ask “What’s next”?
I don’t know. I too feel empty. I want to end my activities and just stay inside myself. I hurt. And, I know why I hurt. It’s stems from a desire I have that is overcoming all of my waking hours. I escape by disciplining myself to think of nothing. You see, my mind is creating thoughts that seem to ruin my well-being. It’s taking away most of the happiness I have discovered on this path.
I feel tortured. And, I know that I am torturing myself.
God, why does love hurt so much? I wanted it so badly and prayed for it and the Almighty granted my wish. It had been so long since I felt such bliss and joy. I found it outside of myself and in another, but should have known that it had been hidden within me all the time. But, like a fool who can understand love from an intellectual, book-learning experience, I can not, for the life of me, understand it from where it counts the most, my heart and from my soul.
This is a destructive love I experience. I long to be in the presence of love, and I count the hours before we commingle and commune. But, a slither of doubt has developed. A toxic, invisible ether has began to envelop me. I evaded it as much as I could but its poison seeped into my mind, creating a fear of losing the love. It frightened me. Here I am, professing to be a spiritual warrior who can’t even protect against the smallest of negative thoughts, negative thinking, negative fixations.
And, that is what has gotten me in its grasp. A negative fixation that no love can ever really last. Once you grow comfortable with Love’s security, the blanket covering you seems to shrink. At least that’s the way I felt the past few horrible days.
I ask you, “What good is love if you always need a reassurance of that love”? Can a person not only feel love, but come to know it will always “be there?” That the love will not fade or get directed elsewhere by the whim of some other’s looks, charm, or witty take on the true meaning of life and death?
I want to give it up. Here, take away this love. Take away the anguish my doubts cause me. I want the peace and calm I dreamt love would provide, not the turbulent and stormy nightmare a sick and love-starved child like me conjures out of seemingly nothing.
What’s next? I really don’t know. Know someone that’s good at performing a lobotomy?