A vicious circle has developed in my life over getting to somewhere always on time.
I see how I have become a slave to this, always rushing to see a doctor, to appear at a court proceeding or get somewhere for someone’s wedding in an adjoining state. The state of my mind is not fooling me anymore. I see this habit for what it really is.
And, I ain’t gonna take it anymore!
I am demanding love. I believe that if I get to my expectant destination not only on time, but well ahead of time, that I will be earning the love I missed as a child when I couldn’t always get the love I needed from my parents. I needed the love right then not later and they couldn’t give in to my constant demands,So, I want to get love from my “loving” way, my way of showing the utmost respect for the person or persons with whom I am about to greet. I want to earn their love!
This cycle feeling was reinforced when I was in the army. “Hurry up and wait” was the slogan we used when double-timing it across the boot camp grounds. It continued while stationed in Fort Polk, Louisiana, as a training officer and then later in Vietnam as combat infantry platoon leader.
Worst yet today, is when I am driving to a meditation destination. Somehow, I always feel like I will be late and so I speed up and drive well beyond the speed limit to insure I’ll not be late for the meditation circle, the center, the church, or the whatever.
Yes, I speed up just so I can slow down!
How ridiculous is that?
I guess I want to get a pat on the back from the powers that be. Michael J is always on time. He’s never late and you can depend on his punctuality. I’ve always like that as an adult. I remember once when a slew of lawyers appeared before one of my favorite Philadelphia Common Pleas judges and one by one they were asked if they were ready to go to trial. After two or three requests for continuances by the attorneys, the judge turned to me and exclaimed to the courtroom: “I don’t have to worry about Contos — he’s always ready!”
I beamed. My smile stretched from my feet to my head and I felt like a favorite son . . . I was loved!
Well, I am planning an exit from this vicious circle I’ve created. I plan to get off of it the very next time I find myself wanting to rush to get somewhere. And that is just about now as I look at the clock and see that I only have a certain amount of time to get from Conshohocken to Malvern, Pennsylvania, for the final day of a three-day retreat called “The Way of Love.”
Wish me luck and Godspeed!
As a school bus driver we were expected to arrive at each scheduled stop at EXACTLY the same time each day. Give that a whirl! It was way before that I became an on-time/early arrival out of habit. I don’t recall when it began. I automatically get up early to be somewhere ON TIME. That’s how it works for me. Never do I rush to be somewhere. Speeding tickets are for those who can afford them, or so I’ve heard. To me, it isn’t about love, though. It’s about respect. Self-respect and respect of others’ precious time.
Time waits for no man. Nor no woman. But in your case, Sam, Time will make an exception!
Hi, Michael. Well, my friend, I’ve been riding that same vicious circle with you all my life. I’m getting better but still have to tame the beast of always leaving a “little extra time” cuz ya “never know what delays may appear” and after all, it’s a show of “respect” to be early. Ahhh, the stories we tell ourselves. I’m with you. I’ll be getting off the express train as well and trying to stick with the slower, more meditative local. Best of luck to us both. Peace.
Out of all my friends (all three of ’em), you’re the only one Terri who seems to understand the universal treadmill that we often confine ourselves to, not realizing that we can choose to get off.
The first step is awareness and then setting plans to make changes. Some might work, others may not. But, at least we can little better control of the path and the vicious cycle.
I look froward to writing with you guys soon!