A vicious circle has developed in my life over getting to somewhere always on time.
I see how I have become a slave to this, always rushing to see a doctor, to appear at a court proceeding or get somewhere for someone’s wedding in an adjoining state. The state of my mind is not fooling me anymore. I see this habit for what it really is.
And, I ain’t gonna take it anymore!
I am demanding love. I believe that if I get to my expectant destination not only on time, but well ahead of time, that I will be earning the love I missed as a child when I couldn’t always get the love I needed from my parents. I needed the love right then not later and they couldn’t give in to my constant demands,So, I want to get love from my “loving” way, my way of showing the utmost respect for the person or persons with whom I am about to greet. I want to earn their love!
This cycle feeling was reinforced when I was in the army. “Hurry up and wait” was the slogan we used when double-timing it across the boot camp grounds. It continued while stationed in Fort Polk, Louisiana, as a training officer and then later in Vietnam as combat infantry platoon leader.
Worst yet today, is when I am driving to a meditation destination. Somehow, I always feel like I will be late and so I speed up and drive well beyond the speed limit to insure I’ll not be late for the meditation circle, the center, the church, or the whatever.
Yes, I speed up just so I can slow down!
How ridiculous is that?
I guess I want to get a pat on the back from the powers that be. Michael J is always on time. He’s never late and you can depend on his punctuality. I’ve always like that as an adult. I remember once when a slew of lawyers appeared before one of my favorite Philadelphia Common Pleas judges and one by one they were asked if they were ready to go to trial. After two or three requests for continuances by the attorneys, the judge turned to me and exclaimed to the courtroom: “I don’t have to worry about Contos — he’s always ready!”
I beamed. My smile stretched from my feet to my head and I felt like a favorite son . . . I was loved!
Well, I am planning an exit from this vicious circle I’ve created. I plan to get off of it the very next time I find myself wanting to rush to get somewhere. And that is just about now as I look at the clock and see that I only have a certain amount of time to get from Conshohocken to Malvern, Pennsylvania, for the final day of a three-day retreat called “The Way of Love.”
Wish me luck and Godspeed!