I’m Sorry, Please Forgive Me, I Love You, Thank You!
I meditated yesterday with members of the Center for Contemporary Mysticism in Chestnut Hill and found love hidden beneath a wall of pain I build up with my first wife.
I asked her to forgive me after telling her how sorry I was for hurting her, and that I always loved her and wanted to thank her for all she did for me.
It was part of the Hawaiian meditation prayer, one called “Ho’oponopono,” where you focused on your breathing and visualizations of whatever the heart and mind manifested. Some Buddhist-types believe that the heart and the mind are one object and that we can control the mind by letting the heart take over.
I let them merge while in a small chapel with some 10 others meditating at St. Paul’s Episcopal Church in a section of Philadelphia. The guided meditation focused on romantic love, education and forgiveness among other things. I thought of Ella Gore, my wife whom I married at age 21, about a month before I went to Vietnam. I got married in part because of “war fever,” not knowing whether I’d die before experiencing marital bliss.
I also married because of love.
She was a Cajun girl, barely out of her teens, when I swept her off her feet as a brand new second lieutenant while stationed in Ft. Polk Louisiana, not far from New Orleans, the Crawfish Capital of the World. She reminded me of my ex-girlfriend, Peggy McPeake, and I had to marry Ella when I brought her home and my mother refused to let us stay under her roof unless we got hitched.
“You are My Sunshine” was a favorite song she’d sing and dance to when we first met and cuddled in my bachelor pad off the military base. I had just finished reading the Tibetan Book of the Dead and longed for Life in its fullest as I took her into my arms and pledged my devotion to her.
The marriage didn’t last. I returned from the war a different man and we drifted apart as she worked and helped put me through college. I hurt her with my infidelities and my need to prove myself. I felt I was a “loser” following Vietnam. And I strove for success no matter who I used or manipulated to enrich my ego.
I’m sorry, Please forgive me. I love you. Thank you!
It feels good to confess and admit that love can heal what I thought was unhealable. Ho’oponopono!