The very word itself creeps me out.
Can’t think of anything more debilitating than this four-syllable word. It ranks up there with “impotent.” At least to someone who’s always seen himself a “man of action.” Military might have had something to do with me. Take action, is what I learned, so that no one can see how unsure you really are at times. Whatever you do, don’t freeze. Even a bad decision is better than none; appearing immobile is just like showing you’re “afraid.”
Oh boy, there goes another one of those words I hate to mention in public, “afraid.” How often have I been afraid to do something in life? Afraid to start something new, afraid to follow a different path. Afraid to Love?
Afraid that no one would care what I had to say or give a hoot if they even listened to me in the first place.
How, you may ask, did I get to this point? I can trace it directly to an article on “discernment,” provided by my internet friend, Steven Goodheart. Your actions set in motion your “intent,” is what I got out of this reading, and you before you act, you should know what “intent” you intend . . .
You understand that? Well, neither do I, and that is the crux of the matter. I don’t know what my “intent” is or what it should be in the first place.
I guess the bigger question is “what is one’s intention for life?”
Beats the hell out of me. And there’s the rub, as Shakespeare once said with his full intent aimed directly at me. I guess I’m looking for intent today. How can I choose to take a step, if I can not see where my next movement will take me, or what chain reaction it could possibly start?
So I’m stuck. Almost afraid to share this, believing that such an admission would only show weakness and make me too vulnerable to what, I don’t know. See. I can’t even name the object of my fears! It’s almost as if I am waiting for something, someone to guide me, to point me into a direction to go, and give me a gentle little nudge.
And then I ask myself, “what would Woody Allen do in a situation like this? Because, that is exactly how I feel. Insecure and anxious. WoodyAllen-like. We share the same birth day, have the same biorhythms. Why not the same neurosis? (Or is that neuroses?)
Let me think about this. But not too long. I don’t “intend” to wait and hang around here all day!