Be careful what you wish for. You could get your heart’s desire and wish you had never asked for it in the first place.
Stupid me could not relate to “shame. “Shame” as in peeing your pants when trying so hard not to, while in first grade, and feeling everyone sees it. I read a spiritual book that said one must experience it, that is, shame, before tasting the Upper Worlds of Spirituality. I racked my brain, but could not come up with anything I felt ashamed of doing or not doing in recent years. So, I got myself into one of those “soulful” postures, the one that Marvin Gaye and David Ruffin could put us in. (they were two R & B singers.) I begged the Universe to let me feel shame, just a small taste of it, and then I forgot about the request. I figured it didn’t work. At first. And, then my mind cleared of all desires. That’s when it hit me. Like a huge iron safe falling out of the sky right onto my cartoon-foolish head. And, man, did I feel like crap!
I wanted to get below the belly of the lowliest worm, that’s how low I felt. Ashamed? You don’t know the meaning of the word unless you been in side of me and knew the way my Life ‘s enfolded as I turned my back on so many things I should have done. Trouble is, I did it for so long, I couldn’t see it for what it really was: the wrong path. One I never intended to walk, but somehow ended up taking one wayward step after another. Until the road became almost second-nature to traverse. It felt comfortable to walk, and you know something? I could justify almost any action, short of murder, mayhem and misaligning myself with some strange god before Him.
Where has the true me gone all of this time? The one that started out with the best intentions, the young man who wanted to be noble, seek the truth, and give his life for the right cause? Did I need to give up that idealism to advance into adulthood, to pursue my livelihood, to successfully reach a comfortable middle age? The shame of it was that I never saw it coming to such a head. Until now. And, I realized that experiencing these self-doubts, this questioning of my Life decisions, has strengthened my resolve to reach for that higher level in spite of my failings.
Or because of them.
I can make corrections. More importantly, I want the adjustments now. It’s not too late. The timing is just about right. I can go “cold turkey” and stop the actions that take me away from where I should be headed. That mountain top. The same place you want to end up, but might be walking in a different set of shoes, perhaps a slightly different path. And, with the help of the “Higher Self,” I believe I can get there. My way is clear now. Someone’s lifted the veil. I can see again. It’ll be a challenge. But, I’ve always met them head on, and came out the better for it. Don’t plan to adopt any somber Puritan-like appearance to mark the adjustment. I’m going to smile, laugh and have a helluva lot of fun in the process. Somethings should never be changed in our pursuit of happiness.