The shame of it all starts an upward ascent

Be careful what you wish for. You could get your heart’s desire and wish you had never asked for it in the first place.

Stupid me could not relate to “shame. “Shame” as in peeing your pants when trying so hard not to, while in first grade, and feeling everyone sees it. I read a spiritual book that said one must experience it, that is, shame, before tasting the Upper Worlds of Spirituality. I racked my brain, but could not come up with anything I felt ashamed of doing or not doing in recent years. So, I got myself into one of those “soulful” postures, the one that Marvin Gaye and David Ruffin could put us in. (they were two R & B singers.) I begged the Universe to let me feel shame, just a small taste of it, and then I forgot about the request. I figured it didn’t work. At first. And, then my mind cleared of all desires. That’s when it hit me. Like a huge iron safe falling out of the sky right onto my cartoon-foolish head. And, man, did I feel like crap!     

I wanted to get below the belly of the lowliest worm, that’s how low I felt. Ashamed? You don’t know the meaning of the word unless you been in side of me and knew the way my Life ‘s enfolded as I turned my back on so many things I should have done. Trouble is, I did it for so long, I couldn’t see it for what it really was: the wrong path. One I never intended to walk, but somehow ended up taking one wayward step after another. Until the road became almost second-nature to traverse. It felt comfortable to walk, and you know something? I could justify almost any action, short of murder, mayhem and misaligning myself with some strange god before Him.     

Which path will lead to where you really want to go?

Where has the true me gone all of this time? The one that started out with the best intentions, the young man who wanted to be noble, seek the truth, and give his life for the right cause? Did I need to give up that idealism to advance into adulthood, to pursue my livelihood, to successfully reach a comfortable middle age? The shame of it was that I never saw it coming to such a head. Until now. And, I realized that experiencing these self-doubts, this questioning of my Life decisions, has strengthened my resolve to reach for that higher level in spite of my failings.   

Or because of them.   

I can make corrections. More importantly, I want the adjustments now. It’s not too late. The timing is just about right. I can go “cold turkey” and stop the actions that take me away from where I should be headed. That mountain top. The same place you want to end up, but  might be walking in a different set of shoes, perhaps a slightly different path. And, with the help of the “Higher Self,” I believe I can get there. My way is clear now. Someone’s lifted the veil. I can see again. It’ll be a challenge. But, I’ve always met them head on, and came out the better for it. Don’t plan to adopt any somber Puritan-like appearance to mark the adjustment. I’m going to smile, laugh and have a helluva lot of fun in the process. Somethings should never be changed in our pursuit of happiness.   

6 comments on “The shame of it all starts an upward ascent

  1. Everything is a stepping stone on the spiritual journey isn’t it? The joy, the pain, the love, the shame. Most important, moving through it, is mindfulness, attitude, intention and attention, I’ve found. I’m finally starting to feel real joy and peace, at long last, working from the inside out. Digging, drowning, peeling, climbing, flying and floating my way out of the abyss. Keep on truckin’ fellow travelers!


  2. souldipper says:

    I learned I can start over any time, any day, any way. I learned I can simply begin again. Now.

    Man, Michael J., you are really having the time of your life. I love it and you.


    • contoveros says:

      I nearly skipped right over those last two words.

      “. . . and you. . .”

      A bouquet, folks. I got a bouquet of lovely flowers from up North in Canada. They smell like you just walked into a florist shop, the one you sought for that big event, the prom, the party, the debut of one of the most loving moments in your Life.

      And, here it is, recreated from afar in all it’s glory, nearly hidden and concealed, until you get to the end and see words up close trailing off as if riding into the sunset.

      Two little words.


      . . . and you. . .

      Wow, What a movie. What a finish! What an Amy.


      michael j


  3. Joy says:

    I’ve felt shame most of my life. I would be interested to discuss this topic tomorrow.


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