I See You for the Very First Time, Don’t I?

I see You more and more each day. All I need do, is look for You. Kinda scrunch up my mind a bit, squint, and let my Self go.          

Try to “feel” You. And I do! All Blessed You. In just the right amount to fill a soul that wishes it were bigger, larger to contain more and more of Your Love that’s omnipresent, all around me. And in me.            

You were in Vietnam, weren’t You? Protecting me and the men in my platoon. There, when the medic wrapped his foot in a bandage, laced up his boot, and shot his foot to get out of the “field. There, when I called mortar fire against the enemy and it accidentally landed on half of one of my squads. There, when someone shot and killed Lt. Vic Ellinger.            

I did not know why back then. I still can’t comprehend it. But, it was all for the Good, wasn’t it? Forty years later, I’m seeing You as clear as day. In all the so-called “pain and suffering” you sent my way. (And more that might come my way.) I don’t have the answers why tragedy and chaos erupts in one’s life. But, You restored order; You brought joy out from the suffering. The same way a Smith forges a fine metal sword, by first putting it through a fire. It needs to be sharpened, balanced and made ready to help a warrior do battle with the next challenge, the next Dragon that needs slaying.            

I thought it was the ego that I had to kill. To smash to a pulp. To eradicate. But You appeared (in the form of two women), advising me that one need not get rid of the ego, but “tame” it, “control” it, make it “work for You.”            

And, last week You came to me as someone desperate, in need of friends after five years of major depression, the first two years afraid (unwilling?) to get out of bed, and only now returning to Life, taking each lonely step as the “pull” helps in the ascension to a higher consciousness, one to replace the old one stilled and kept in exile awaiting Full Disclosure.            

I got a meditation pamphlet for You to read. Went to WON Institute for accupuncture Thursday, and felt compelled to take the handout, intending to give it to the You, the person you first appeared, a sorrowful Jewish woman, but ended up “gifting” it to a Venezuelan girl, one I call my Dark Madonna.   

Nothing But Loving Kindness and compassion

We met at IKEA Friday morning, and I gave her the information in hopes that she’ll explore this vehicle to another plane. She already suggested that she and I meet to help the traumatic brain-injured friend I have. I suggested one other person, remembering that the number “four” is better suited for an ongoing meditating practice. The Dark Madonna came to me out of a prayer, I did not know I had even said. You appeared somehow, whispered to her, and she left her home and appeared at the breakfast table as if out of a dream. A Venus on a clamshell. A Life-saver   


It  lasted a few precious minutes. I wanted nothing more than to “be.”         

7 comments on “I See You for the Very First Time, Don’t I?

  1. verewig says:

    Indeed, the ego is so misunderstood. It is not something to fight. It is simply a container of what we believe we are. It is the form of our beingness in the world, which ensbles us to act in the world. We do need to transform it however, when we cross boundaries of who we thought we were. This is where the Black Madonna comes into play. It is also the process of the dark nights of the soul.

    Discovering the transformative power of the Dark Goddess also transformed my life. She is the core of the Creative Process – the journey into Void and Chaos and Destruction from which a New Creation arise: Mother of the Apocalypse in the true sense of the word – revelation. Creation always involves destruction of old forms to allow the new to arise.



    • contoveros says:


      I just ordered a book recommended below. Why have I been drawn to using the term “Dark Madonna” I will never know.

      Or maybe I will, if I simply open myself to “Dancing in the Flames: The Dark Goddess in the Transformation of Consciousness.”

      Has this been a new “pull” in my Life? Could it have only been seen through my contact with a special friend here in Conshohocken as we tried to meditate together? A young woman who beams with spirituality and the “darkness” of a Venezualian Queen of the Night?

      Yeah. I like that.

      I like you too, my Sophia, and all the wonderful new worlds you are helping me open my Self to. Thanks.

      michael j


  2. A book that changed my life was “Dancing in the Flames: The Dark Goddess in the Transformation of Consciousness.”


    • contoveros says:


      I just ordered the book from Alibris. Used the term “Dark Madonna” for a nickname for a young woman I see at IKEA here in Conshohocken, never knowing it had a tie in with such feminine power in parts of Spain and France. My friend is from Venezuala.

      I think we are approaching an era when the Feminine is needed more . . .


      michael j


  3. ellocogringo says:

    Hi, Mr M
    Now, I desire no more, than to live inYour Presence from the beginning of Time until the End.

    but you are, always have been and always will


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.