Grace suffocated and I retaliated by smashing my ego to help free up her passageway during group meditation this morning.
It freed me; I surrendered to the moment and bowed to a Power I hoped would open her to the rest of us meeting at the Tuesday morning gathering. I failed. She held on to her “control,” choosing the possibly safer route than the mysterious, mystical one that awated her through calm abiding.
This was Grace’s first medidation in decades, and I should have prepared her more for the silence we weekly seek with our eyes closed and hearts open. We, who meet in stillness and the expectation of . . . Nothing. It is that Void, that depletion of thoughts and desires that we welcome. One can not “try” to obtain it. Nor should one “judge” whether their journey is a success or failure. There’s never any “failing” when one goes within seeking the true Self, the Essence. Even if we meet a roadblock, touch a nerve, or repeat a thought that impedes our pathway. It’s the seeking itself that counts.
I thought by symbolically “smashing” my ego, I could help you “let go.” To forget the past pain, the uncertainty of the future, the uncomfortable, vulnerable feeling anyone facing a new environment and persons for the first time usually serves up. Many of us speaking foreign tongues about “past life regression,” the “Buddha’s middle path” the “pull” of a Force greater than our own if we only let go. Let go of the “control” we desparately cling to, as if it was a life preservor instead of dead weight we’ve been unable to remove on our own. Such talk could be “nonsense” to the unitiated.
Meditate. Sit in a way that you feel dignified. Close your eyes, or drop them unfocused to the floor. Don’t try. Don’t judge. Breathe. Breathe in slowly. And breathe out. Feel the breath through the nostril, the nasal passages. Return to the breath over and over again as thoughts and emotions arise. Gently “nudge” out those intrusions. There will be time enough later to dwell on them. Seek the breath. Make it your anchor, your true “life guard,” the one exercise you are guaranteed to continue with the rest of your Life.
Allow thoughts to drift away like clouds. Return to the breath. You might even be able to trace a thought, to step back from your Self and observe you Self, the observor looking at your own thoughts.
Who is more real? You? The thought? The observor? Are all but an illusion? Are all a reality created only by the mind?
Let Love grow from within and spread through your meditation. Start with love of yourself. Maybe, forgiving that youngster who feels the hurt so keenly. Forgive your self. But don’t try too hard. And don’t judge right or wrong.
Let’s hope we can clear the passageways so no one will suffocate next time we meditate at the Resiliency Center in Ambler, PA.