You invited me to your House, and I broke confidence in you.
Category Archives: Vietnam veterans
Abraham, Martin & John Live On Within
Rain pours on me outside, while soft music warms me on the inside. “Abraham, Martin, and John,” the song, plays from this relatively new gadget called a portable, hand-held, transistor radio.
College Life repeats itself each generation
Sat next to a long hair, skinny, “Hippie” guy at an orientation in a community college yesterday, and felt thrown back to a time years ago, sitting cross-legged on the floor across from a similar fellow wondering what the hell I was doing there.
Act of Contrition Helps Regain My Purity
Got Blanket Absolution yesterday. And, it felt so good, I became a 12-year-old again. Ready to face the world with a clear conscious and a pure heart.
Pain endures from struggles in a ‘Back’ Life
The pain feels like someone thrust a spear in my back. That I was in battle. At the city of Troy. Fighting with fellow Greeks for the foolish prize of a minor King’s run-a-way, but lovely, wife, Helen. She with a face that will launch a thousand ships.
School boss drives Vietnam veteran nuts
Felt I was back in war maneuvering through a mine field called the new educational system yesterday.
Continue readingUnexplained ‘Pull’ leading me back Home
A gentle “pull” manifested in my Life recently. I noticed it last night while driving and wanted no more than to live in each passing moment.
Weekend Euphoria Needs Time to Set
The Greatest Weekend — No. II
* Uncertain if my true love would ever be mine, I fell to my knees . . . praying for her affection. It was . . . a Sunday.
Labyrinth opens a hidden maze inside me
Walked a Labyrinth and stepped into Vietnam last night.
Trouble is . . . I liked it. Did not want to leave the maze despite what lay ahead. Strangely, I felt “safe” there. Secure in my “skills.” Didn’t want to come home. Just like years earlier.
Shiatsu workout straightens out back & Chi
Back talk. Anyone experiencing pain might know where I’m headed. My back is talking loud and clear, and no matter what I do, I can’t shut it up.
Goin’ to farm; pick blueberries barefooted
Cousin Rosemarie Lieb.
You opened my heart to something I closed years ago.
Not ready to look inside. Almost, but not just yet.
Your words touched me with a warmth I haven’t felt in a long time. They caressed me, and I liken it to a mother’s love and pride I couldn’t handle at the family reunion last Saturday.
Don Quixote battles PTSD in Philly courts
I never felt more like Don Quixote than when I represented a woman charged with a crime.
And while I didn’t want it, I’d feel called to “champion” her, even when it cost me my reputation, my sanity and my very career as a trial attorney.  Continue reading
Seeing improves with my cataract removal
My “Fishbowl” Look is Gone.
So is my astigmatism. Not to mention a cataract in my left eye.
Saigon Lady offers wisdom at check out
Saigon Lady taught me about Life and Buddhism last night.
Continue reading
PTSD Creates New ‘Cause and Condition’
Answers to Questions about Vietnam War
This Veteran tells a Student about the War
Continue readingA soldier bows in salute to heartfelt words
A Soldier, and No One Else!
It was the soldier who gave you freedom of the press, not the reporter
It was the soldier, not the poet, who gave you freedom of expression
Light shines here from a tip of the candle
Veterans Can Share Understanding of War
‘Veterans are the light at the tip of the candle, illuminating the way for the whole nation.
50 chews per bite is goal, not meals’ end!
The Outcome Doesn’t Matter
War guilt haunts veteran year after year
Premonition of Something Bad Arises
I knew something was wrong when I saw the radio operator’s face. He handed me the mike attached to the bulky radio strapped on his back. The private, new in-country, made no eye contact, and was hesitant in his actions.
I identified myself by a “call sign” and heard someone say in a code that the leader of the third platoon had just been wounded, and that I was ordered to move my first platoon to give him assistance.
Merging Two into One Okay, Michael J
“Belief in God, and
following Buddhism
is not incompatible.”
Grief delayed me while in military service
I was in the Army less than a week when the news hit me. I had my head shaven; my civilian clothes exchanged for fatigue pants and a shirt, not to mention boots and headgear, something I had never worn before in my life.
Got drafted on the Third of June, the day that Billie Jo McAllister jumped off the Tallahatchie Bridge! I was 19 years old in 1968 — knew no one — and was away from my Philadelphia, PA, home for the first time.
Hudson River magic calls me to Omega
Got a check for $9 in the mail yesterday. It was for travel expenses on a trip I took five months ago. It came to me like magic. I must have lost it in the IKEA store of Conshohocken, and it just appeared out of nowhere for my return trip.
Veterans with PTSD Invited to Omega Institute
Back to the Omega Institute for Holistic Studies. A campus in Rhinebeck, NY, where I will return today (April 21, 2010) for another retreat on PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder).
Old warriors share PTSD woes with young
Never thought of myself as a “warrior.” Wasn’t that a term used by Third World tribes or ancient civilizations building empires on one war after another?
A warrior was someone who didn’t mind taking another life, or at least someone trained to dwell not on any moral implications of war. Warriors were as much a part of life as shopkeepers, scholars, and clerics. All served society. All provided some good, didn’t they?
Sutta Nipata calls me to Omega Institute
Will return to Omega Institute this week for a 5-day Retreat to meditate on PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) with veterans led by the Rev. Claude AnShin Thomas, an ordained Buddhist monk and a Vietnam War veteran.
Miracle copies manifest at Philly VA Center
Does the Universe conspire to create minor miracles on a given day? Yes. But only if you believe in modern-day miracles.
I experienced several on February 16, 2010, with the last manifesting over a two-day period in the history of miracles for Contoveros. (For the series, see Rooster helps open path to miraculous day)
Acupuncture pitches ‘halvies’ to a Vet
Had an “out-of-body” experience.
Twice. Once on my stomach, the other on my back. Got “acupunctured.” Second time for my back. First for PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). Back got punctured a dozen times in various parts of the body, starting in areas other than the back.
VA Hearing raises PTSD questions of trust
Why do I feel the VA (Veterans Administration) likes to push my face into the mud every once in a while? Like treating me like a number, not a person, another Vietnam War survivor that someone on some staff gets paid for seeing, stamping and shuffling off after extracting information to satisfy the Great Bureaucracy.
PTSD’s permanent address is at my home
Compensation and Review Board is the name given to a panel of persons with the Veterans’ Administration that recommends whether a disability rating should be approved for a deserving veteran.
PTSD battle takes its toll in Life-Long Fear
You don’t know how easily I scare.
I hate to admit this, but I become afraid when I get into harm’s way. I try to avoid it. Try to go with the flow. But when harm settles in my general area, I become as timid as a rabbit jumping back in a hole after seeing his own shadow.
Buddha guides me thru VA PTSD path
Possibly Cont’d from Trappist monk helps veteran ‘awaken’ me
Buddha came in the shape of a dark-haired, dark-skinned attractive yoga-practicing woman, smiling upon me in a dream.
Continue readingName-caller gets his butt kicked in the end
Originally Cont’d from Name-calling can get you kicked in the end 1-28-10
Calling a kid names could cause a lasting scar one may have to deal with later in life. It’s either that, or you learn to “toughen up“ as I did, and let the wise-cracks, the slurs, the hate-filled and ignorant remarks simply glide over you.
‘Letting Go’ Requires Faith and Hope
Cont’d from Seeing is believing in the ‘letting go’ process 1-30-10
“Letting go” is a process I thought I had completely bought into when I “gave up” trying to control things and had surgery done on my eye.
Part III, Don’t “Squander Away” Your Life
Originally Cont’d from Don’t squander away your life 12-5-09
How can I deal with PTSD and prevent “squandering away” my life?
Trappist Monk helps Veteran ‘Awaken’ me
Con’td from Schuylkill Expressway miracle paves road to VA
The first Buddha emerged in my dream as a muscular military-type, with short-cropped hair and engaging smile. Asian? No, Hispanic, but with a possible trace of someone from an exotic Asian island.
Visit with Disabled American Veterans (DAV)
‘Right’ path never obstructed long, Part II
Originally Cont’d from ‘Right’ path may never be obstructed long 2-18-10
Not once did I have to step on the brake. And I left my house shortly before 9 am — the tail end of rush-hour traffic — to get to a 10 o’clock appointment.
A ‘right’ path may never be obstructed long
Con’td from Rooster helps open path to miraculous day
Oh no! I forgot my ID. Second day in a row I pulled such a stupid stunt. And here I am, braving the snow and cold to drive from Conshohocken, PA, to the Veterans Administration building in Philadelphia.
Bodhisattvas’ (Compassion) Practices -35
35
When disturbing emotions are habituated, it is difficult to overcome them with antidotes. By arming oneself with the antidotal weapon of mindfulness, to destroy disturbing emotions such as desire the moment they first arise is the Bodhisattvas’ practice.
Damn War To Hell & Take PTSD With It
Damn PTSD.
‘Les We Forget’ names called our soldiers
No one’s ever called me “baby-killer.”
I never was “spit on” upon returning home to the United States following a year at war in Vietnam.
And, while friends and co-workers I met through the years may have thought it, none have said to my face they believed I was one of those “Crazed Vietnam Veterans.”
Name-calling can get you kicked in the end
Patty DeMarco made me cry. He called me names and wouldn’t stop as I tried to walk away, with him following me on the North Philadelphia street we lived. On and on he went, badmouthing me, until he saw my brother, who helped me into his little red wagon, and pulled it home, me sobbing all the while behind. I was four years old.
Joy Found in Everyday ‘Common’ Ground
Part III in totem series (Hawk, tiger & sparrow)
There’s nothing quite as common as a cracker, one of those Saltines, that is . . .
Run away & you live to fight another day
Originally cont’d from Last minute reprieve delays eye execution 1-25-10
I have never been good at waiting, and when I have something unpleasant to do — like undergo an operation in the hospital — I prefer to get it over with. Quickly. And not have to count the minutes that seem to pass by so excruciatingly slow.
‘Letting go’ provides a better ‘vision’ in life
Psychedelic green bursts of light pulse across my eye. It’s like a strobe light flashing over and over, as I “see” a colorful cascade of a lime green pigment appear before me as if it’s penetrating the eyeball itself.
Veterans’ PTSD helped at Omega lands
Pictures, statues and other works of art often capture the beauty of the soul as people seek peace and love through different spiritual paths. Omega Institute provided all of that for a group of US veterans at a retreat this past Fall. Below are a few photos that may have captured the spirit of meditation, and that is, “Being in the Moment.”
Mindfulness Awareness Grows at Omega institute off Hudson River
I have no idea who this couple was, as I shot them resting on a bench looking at two others in the boat sailing past them. Our PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) group, at the Omega Institute for a 5-day workshop of intense meditation, conducted a ceremony on the shore of the lake when I snuck away and saw the Autumn waterway watchers.
Meditation Quilt, dining room, Omega Institute
This quilt was one of four hanging from rafters in the dining hall. Each “patch” measured 12-by-12 inches and depicted various spiritual symbols.
“Sanctuary Bell”, at the top of Omega Institute
I left the group to seek solitude in the “Sanctuary” at the top of the hill overlooking the grounds of the retreat in the Hudson River valley some 100 miles outside of New York City. This bell symbolized the “calling” many of us received and responded to while here. Grateful that some still lingers.
Balancing Rocks, Omega “Sanctuary”
A small pond held many wonders if one simply took time to see. Look at this rock formation. What a balance. You and nature. You and the Self within.
USA Veteran PTSD “Enlightenment”
The Rev. Claude AnShin Thomas, an ordained Buddhist monk, sets fire to messages that veterans wrote, hoping to “detach” themselves from an activity that triggers their PTSD. The group met on the shores of the Omega Institute lake, forming a circle around the former infantryman who years later studied Buddhism in Vietnam, and returned to America to help PTSD sufferers world-wide.
Buddhist Monk performing a ceremony
Letting go. One attachment by another. Step by step. Day by day. All burning away until possibly reaching “Nirvana,” which literally means “extinguishing” or “blowing out” all the fires of desire.
Buddhist Altar, PTSD Retreat
Meditation started at 7 a.m. and continued through 9 p.m. with silence the entire day, even at mealtime. The silence was most welcome while seated in the hall with 50 veterans, some family members and friends all seeking healing from war and its aftermath.
Idols of all shapes and sizes greeted us at the Omega Institute October 25, 2009. The one of the Elephant deity Genesha was one of my favorites. The more than 3-foot-tall statue greeted all to the sauna who were seeking relaxation and a little detoxification.
For more photos, see Love found ‘idol-Ing’ at Omega Institute
For stories on Omega Institute see below:
For Story on “Idols” see: No American Idols portrayed in my home
Women Know the Help Boys Need in War
1917 – “Through a Glass Darkly” Continue reading
Macho man marvels at mistaken miss
I’ve been shooting the bull the past several weeks with JhanaJian, of whom I thought was this “Asian guy” from Vietnam.
Turns out I was wrong. Dead wrong about everything I thought I knew about JhanaJian.
Gratitude Given Freely Can Grow on You
Want to feel good? Pick out five things each day to show your gratitude. Write ’em down. But, don’t try to fake it. You really gotta look for some thing in your life, some person, some reason that, deep down inside, you can say “makes me grateful.”
That’s a message I got from a fellow named Bill Stauffer who addressed a group of like-minded people who were seeking some spiritual insights this morning. Continue reading
Saigon lady serves up smile & forgiveness
You never know when Fate will offer a blessing in disguise.
Saw an Asian woman handling the checkout at a nearby Target store and joked with her about a gift I was getting for my son’s birthday three months from today. It was a holiday box with no writing on it, nothing to suggest it was from Xmas.
Meditation lets my energy flow from within
Part II, Continued from On road to Peace, I found some “Bhuddies”
How Do I Meditate? Continue reading
On road to Peace, I found some “Bhuddies”
For the first time in my life, I attended a Buddhist gathering knowing that I wanted to learn more about meditation and the teachings about compassion and loving kindness.
Why We Want No More War Anniversaries
War is good for no one.
No one is good for war.
PTSD Anquish Served up at Bread Store
Unappreciated . . . Unwanted . . . Unloved . . .
Terrorists force VA to strip vet of dignity
The Terrorists Won.
They pushed my face into the dirt. Made me low crawl through those metal detectors. Violated me like no prison incarceration could ever have make me feel.
Continue reading
November 22, a day like no other USA day
My 10th-grade mathematics teacher whispers the horrible news: “Somebody shot the president.”
Back Repairs Sought to Bolster Life of Back
I “intend” to repair my back. Not “cure” it. Not “fix” it.
Just get it back into working order. No more pains while getting out of bed or putting one leg after another into a pair of pants. That’s all. Make the back serviceable again.
Finally, Light Shines on My Mutiny Quash
I lied to my platoon to prevent a mutiny from bursting to a head some 40 years ago.
Finally, Light Shines on My Mutiny Quash
I lied to my platoon to prevent a Mutiny from bursting to a head some 40 years ago.
Today, I granted myself forgiveness. I cleansed a wound that never seemed to heal until now.
Acupuncture calms stress, a veteran’s woes
Needles punctured my ears for the first time in my life this week.
Veterans’ Day Offers Acupuncture at WON Institute
Acupuncture was being offered for one free session to veterans on Veterans’ Day, and I appeared at the WON Institute in Glenside, PA, to take advantage of the procedure. The practitioner, Ed Cunningham, was kind, offering me some cheese and crackers as we made small talk and I got ready for the event.
PTSD Raises a Monster Head from a Toilet
Put a straitjacket on me.
Hide me in a padded room.
Get me away from people.
All those I can harm by PTSD.
PTSD therapy often comes from survivors
War Zone Fears Not Easily Discussed by Veterans
“Opening up” to a stranger is, at best, difficult to do. Confiding your “war zone” fears with a non-veteran can be worse, unless PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) serves as a bond between a brother and a sister.
Will Vietnam PTSD trap ever set me free?
What do anger, dreams, PTSD, and “Letting Go“ of one’s past have to do with each other? They’re all part of a discussion on vetting our emotions through dreams to deal with our conscious selves. Join me and another Michael J in our recent comments to his post: Practicing for the Bardo by Urbansannyasin
Continue readingDresden calls Kurt Vonnegut Jr. to Blog
Margo lived through the bombing of Dresden, Germany more than 60 years ago.
She wants to write about some of her experiences, and I hope she gives us a glimpse of that harrowing experience when war failed to distinguish between the good guys and the bad guys.
Continue readingTrying to Make Amends for Vietnam War
How do you say you’re sorry to a people whose country you bombed in the name of peace and democracy?
What words can you use after saying that you are personally sorry for the Vietnam War and the mistakes our government made some 40 years ago?
Continue readingLife’s Ultimate Prize Goes to Those Aware
I admit it. I cheated.
I rushed to a finish line and cheated myself. I thought I could complete the course as quickly as possible to move on to the next life event. But it took me but a moment to realize my mistake.
I had cheated myself of real improvement, real growth and I now know that the true challenge in life lies in the smallest detail. Continue reading
Safe Place Still No Guard Against PTSD
My Correspondence with a Woman with PTSD
You got it Sweetheart!
PTSD is what this Vietnam War veteran is talking about.
PTSD alert: don’t squander away your life
A Teutonic Plate shifted inside of me.
I felt someone had thrown water at my face, had “hit me upside my head” and looked me dead in the eye demanding my fullest attention. Have I been squandering away my life?
When Is Using God’s Name Blasphemy?
God damn it. I forgot the lead I wanted to write here.
It was on the tip of my tongue (pen, key board key, etc.), and Christ, I lost it.
Continue readingRelease Me; I Swear I’ll Never Sin Again
Hey. Please get me out of here.
How the hell did I end up here, this empty place where no one can see me, touch me, or, more importantly, hear me?
Why am I locked up, away from the world outside this jar-like existence. Who did I piss off? What was my grievous sin?
Identity Loss Leads to New Outlook on Life
I lost my wallet.
And found a new freedom that only the loss of identity could possibly grant me.
Continue reading— Who’s to Blame For War After War? —
I Blame God for War.
I blame the Most Powerful Force in the Universe for not using its Almighty Abilities to stop war dead in its tracks.
— Some Wounds May Never Ever Heal —
The Vietnam War changed Joe.
It stripped him of all interest in leading people in any official capacity.
Forever.
— Why Must This Path Purt So Much? —
Pain: What Good Is It?
Sometimes, it works. But sometimes it tears into my psyche, bringing with it a fear that this discomfort, this thorn will continue to haunt me, raising its head more and more as I feel the aging process more keenly and with it, an unwanted sense of my mortality, my deterioration and the inevitable end that I will someday meet. When the pain increases and I can’t steer my mind away from it, I know deep inside that the end is not so very far away!
“Thank you” for letting me serve, somehow
- Ever get more out of doing something nice for someone than that person ever expected you could possibly get?
Potluck heads bucket list of things to do
Lighting Up With Something New in Life
My favorite store greeter told me she wanted to smoke grass before turning 60.
Why not study art, writing, or some other esoteric topic? I asked.
No, she said, “I have never smoked marijuana before.”
Veterans find joy in their own backyards
You can’t know how much pleasure there is in feeding a squirrel until you open yourself to the wonders of nature . . . and of course . . . feed a squirrel . . . daily.
Dream reveals a key to unlocking Paradise
I dreamed I wore a dress to a training class for new lawyers learning to defend criminal defendants. No one noticed my garb. None of the other attorneys said anything, and I never felt “different” or out of place as a brand-new public defender awaiting to argue his first case in Court.
But when I left the room and took a break, a supervisor removed the dress as he and others tried to run off with what they said was “inappropriate” clothing for a man’s courtroom appearance.
Serving others helps to serve you as well
The purpose of Life is to know, love, and serve the Creator.
But how do you serve an All-Giving Entity?
I believe that “to Serve the Creator is to Serve Humanity”
What’s Love Got To Do with My PTSD?
Love can Help You Deal with PTSD
What’s Love got to do with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)?
The feelings they generate stem from that same Core within, at least, the same Core within me.
Angels Appear as Earthly Messengers
It’s just like heaven . . . Being here with you . . . You’re like an Angel . . Too good to be true. When You are near me. My heart skips a beat. I can hardly stand on. My own two feet. Because I Love You; I Love You, I Do. ‘Angel Baby’. My ‘Angel Baby’. Oh, Ooh, I Love You, Oh, Ooh, I Do . . . No One Could Love You . . . Like I Do!
Contoveros 