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Category Archives: anger
Spiritual wars should end at a dinner table
Psalm 46: Continue reading
Looking for Self among all the wrong cards
Won’t let go until animal instinct tells me to
I delete persons withholding ID from me
Revenge could change, once ‘you’ change
Don Quixote battles PTSD in Philly courts
I never felt more like Don Quixote than when I represented a woman charged with a crime.
And while I didn’t want it, I’d feel called to “champion” her, even when it cost me my reputation, my sanity and my very career as a trial attorney.  Continue reading
War stories penetrate a family gathering
Freedom of Religion depends on religion
Blogging creates craving when ‘Net’s down
Cock-sure Rooster leads in Race to Hades
Mary’s Tears help battle Flashbacks of War
Immigration stories hit closer to home
Answers to questions about Vietnam War
Light shines here from a tip of the candle
‘Veterans are the light at the tip of the candle,’ illuminating the way for the whole nation.
If veterans can achieve awareness, transformation, understanding, and peace, they can share with the rest of society the realities of war.
And they can teach us how to make peace with ourselves and each other, so we never have to use violence to resolve conflicts again.”
— Thich Nhat Hanh
The following is a message I left shortly after writing the quotes from Thich Nhat Hahn. I’ll never forget the experience meditating with him and other veterans who got together during the retreat and even had pictures taken:
50 chews per bite is goal, not meals’ end!
The outcome doesn’t matter Continue reading
War guilt haunts veteran year after year
Grief delayed me while in military service
Old warriors share PTSD woes with young
Fowl locked up after spiritual book bash
VA Hearing raises PTSD questions of trust
PTSD’s permanent address is at my home
PTSD battle takes its toll in Life-Long Fear
Name-caller gets his butt kicked in the end
Originally Cont’d from Name-calling can get you kicked in the end 1-28-10
Continue reading
‘One-Eyed Jack’ provides more meditation
Originally Cont’d from Steroids Pushed as Far as the Eye can See 2-5-10 Continue reading
Bodhisattvas’ (Compassion) Practices -35
Damn War To Hell & Take PTSD With It
‘Les We Forget’ names called our soldiers
Name-calling can get you kicked in the end
Stop the presses, stop depression, stop!
Meditation time is right in this moment
Meditation time is right in this moment
Yucky moment leads to ease of suffering
Rooster racks up pain and admiration
Can’t A Guy Get A Break Around Here?
A Flower Blooms then Rests in the Buddha
Why We Want No More War Anniversaries
PTSD Anquish Served up at Bread Store
Terrorists force VA to strip vet of dignity
The Terrorists Won.
They pushed my face into the dirt. Made me low crawl through those metal detectors. Violated me like no prison incarceration could ever have make me feel.
Continue reading
Finally, Light Shines on My Mutiny Quash
I lied to my platoon to prevent a mutiny from bursting to a head some 40 years ago.
Today, I granted myself forgiveness. I cleansed a wound that never seemed to heal until now.
I served as a First Lieutenant in Vietnam and was relieved of my command of an infantry platoon just two hours before getting orders to appear at a helicopter base port. Taken by surprise, I met the battalion commander, who asked me to help avoid a military “disaster” from developing any further. My platoon of some 25 soldiers, grunts, as we liked being called, had refused to board the ships that would fly them into the “field” to patrol and engage the enemy. Most of the men sat on the heliport, reclining on their backpacks, disobeying all orders to climb aboard.
A day earlier, several members of the second squad were medivaced to a hospital after being ambushed by the Viet Cong. I had assigned a sergeant with some 10 years of experience to lead the squad. Unfortunately, he was “new in-country” and may not have had time to become acclimatized to the situation. In other words, he didn’t know what he was supposed to do in a war zone yet.
Our superior officer blamed me, the man in charge, and for the second time in my young military career, I found myself removed from my command. I was devastated the first time, and I view that period as the lowest moment of my life. I felt lower than dirt and less useful than the ground below. At least dirt could be used to grow things and offer a structure to build on, I believed then.
This time, however, my being sacked hurt far less. I knew I had done everything to ensure the well-being of my platoon, and instill in each member an esprit de corps that carried over into their individual lives. They learned to live for each other, to work as a unit, to place the needs of the platoon over their own.
It came as no shock when I heard they refused to go to the field! It was a mutiny, pure and simple. They protested what they believed was an outrageous act committed against them: the removal of their leader, Lieutenant Michael J Contos, yours truly.
(See Part 2 My Mutiny Quash)
Finally, Light Shines on My Mutiny Quash
Healing Technique Sparks Family Fall Out
Thanks for a Path that Preserved my Life
PTSD raises its monster head from toilet
Who thinks up these crazy connections?
Primary Source Appears in this Blog Ban 2
PTSD therapy often comes from survivors
“Opening up” to a stranger is, at best, difficult to do. Confiding your “war zone” fears with a non-veteran can be worse, unless PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) serves as a bond between a brother and a sister.
That’s how I have come to view my own shortcomings: through the eyes and experiences of trauma “survivors” who faced similar life-altering devastations, but who are now finally able to talk about it for the benefit of all . . .
You’ll see by these comments below that there is no discrimination between man and woman when it comes to PTSD. It is an equal opportunity offender. 
Finally! By One survivor
- “I ran into a therapist back in 2005 who was very unethical. Between her and her clients, I was put through hell on her online forum.
- “Well, I found out a couple of months or so ago, that some of her clients were filing complaints against her. And not just her clients, but even another very reputable therapist is filing a complaint on behalf of several of her former clients. Apparently, they went to him after they left her and what they shared with him about her methods so concerned him that he felt he had to file.”
————
After reading the Blog post I only had one thing to say:
Wow!
How a therapist could hurt someone is beyond my way of thinking.
Don’t people go into that profession to actually “help” other people?
I don’t know; sometimes people with PTSD can learn more from others with the same problems. Not so much that misery likes company, but you’re able find out that your own behavior isn’t so out of whack. The trauma is forcing so many others like us to seek help. Both men and women . . . for a lot of different reasons.
Reading about acts of healing and how to help others can, in itself, help us. But only if we face up to our condition.
I keep trying every day, having some little successes here and there, knowing I’ll probably have this devil called PTSD with me for the duration of my tour here on Planet Earth.
Good luck,
Michael J
Will Vietnam PTSD trap ever set me free?
Birds play in ‘carefree flight’ above me!
Aggression often adds to World Suffering
The following are messages shared on Aggression:
Continue reading
Despite Road Rage, Light Shines on PTSD
‘One Step Back’ leads to ‘Two Forward’
Three Positives Trump Anger Every Time
Making amends for Vietnam War
Eating right can be such sweet sorrow
Safe place no guard against PTSD
PTSD alert: don’t squander away your life
A Teutonic Plate shifted inside of me.
I felt someone had thrown water at my face, had “hit me upside my head” and looked me dead in the eye demanding my fullest attention. Have I been squandering away my life?
Wasting my life?
Why even ask this question now, when my most productive years, the salary-producing ones, have ended as I have “gone on disability” and live from the benefits provided by the Veterans Administration and not from my labor?
This question shook me to the marrow of my bones a few days ago. I was attending a workshop for veterans and their families facing PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) when I felt a Greek Chorus address me with its multiple groupings of male and female voices, advising me not to squander away my life.
Later, I asked myself what it actually means, this “squandering” business.
What’s there to Really Squander Away in Life — Life Itself
And does anyone intentionally set out to squander a life away? Squander. Most people only use the word sparingly, and usually when money is the focus of the inquiry. We all have heard examples in our lives: “He’s going to squander away his inheritance,” or “she squandered away all the money raised for little Jimmy’s operation,” and one of my favorites espoused by today’s pundits, ” George W. Bush squandered away all the Good Will America generated right after 9 – 11.”
“Squander” hardly ever appears alone. I normally see it used with the word, “away,” as in the loss of some unique skill. “We had so much hope in his potential, but he seemed to have ‘squandered away‘ his (fill in the blanks) . . .”Natural Ability” . . . “Writing Talent” . . . “Singing Career,” etc.”)
But I’m not talking about forfeiting some achievement, great wealth, or some future thing.
I’m talking about Life.
How does one squander that away?
(See Part II, Squander)
‘Infinite Mercy’ May Set my Teacher Free
Tibetan Book Winds its Way Thru My Life
I got a chill when I saw the word “Tibet” today because it took me back to the late 1960s when I was a newly minted second lieutenant trying to make his way in the US Army. The words that impressed me then, however, had nothing to do with the military. It had everything to do with life. Nearly 40 years later, I see that the “Tibetan Book of the Dead” called out to me, though I may not have known it then. Continue reading
When Is Using God’s Name Blasphemy?
Music (mantra) melts the mind madness
Release Me; I Swear I’ll Never Sin Again
Identity Loss Leads to New Outlook on Life
Goodbye Love; I’m Off to Find the Wizard
Can aspiring to be “God-like” be heresy?
Who’s to Blame For War After War?
Some wounds may never ever heal
Why must this path hurt so much?
“Thank you” for letting me serve, somehow
Banner bird brightens boy’s breakfast
“Don’t like this love…(crap)” she told me!
Veterans find joy in their own backyards
Dream reveals a key to unlocking Paradise
Serving others helps to serve you as well
What’s Love Got To Do with PTSD?
Angels Appear as Earthly Messengers
It’s just like heaven . . . Being here with you . . . You’re like an Angel . . Too good to be true. When You are near me. My heart skips a beat. I can hardly stand on. My own two feet. Because I Love You; I Love You, I Do. ‘Angel Baby’. My ‘Angel Baby’. Oh, Ooh, I Love You, Oh, Ooh, I Do . . . No One Could Love You . . . Like I Do!
— Rosie & the Originals
Angels appeared to me through a synchronicity of dreams and later, a conscious meditation, where I realized that certain people that I had met in my life served as agents of change, directing me through the hills and valleys of my present journey. Yes, I call these “messengers” angels, thank you, Dr. Carl G Jung. And you will see why!
First, let me tell you about the dream. A white-haired man dressed in a three-piece suit spoke with another man also dressed in a suit. They stood in an aisle of a train, near the seats where I sat, along with another man and a young woman.
No one appeared to know the other, but the seated passengers, myself included, were deeply engrossed in the conversation the two standing men were having. “Don’t you know me?” the taller man spoke to the white-haired, older man, who had identified himself as Socrates. I forgot if he mentioned his last name.
—————-
“I’m sure you will recognize me,” the second man, who called himself Plato, added. This man was slightly bald and started challenging the elder speaker to recall an earlier time the two spent long hours together. I don’t remember any details of their discussions, but they were profound, enlightening, and mesmerizing.
The men looked toward us, the seated passengers, as if they had interrupted some activity, but I spoke for the three of us, stating that we were keenly interested in what they had to say, and to please continue with their discourse.
Moments later, I was alone with the white-haired man. I noticed that he had a slight beard, trimmed neatly, and had a cherub-round face. Was the face German? Nordic? Or was he from some other nearby European country that provided red cheeks and a rugged look among its dwellers, I thought. He told me he had finished one book and was writing a second. He seemed cautious and concerned about my reaction when he told me about the first one, claiming some people would not warm to the subject matter or believe in its content.
“What’s the name of the book?” I asked, curious and interested in his story as I looked into his eyes to get a clearer view of this man. “The book is about Angels,” he said, initially glancing to the floor and then directly towards me, his eyes lighting up. “Those I Know, have Known, and will be Knowing,” he added with a smile.
- Before I had a chance to ask him more, whether that was the name of the title or something else related to the writing, the scene had shifted, and we were near the front of a bus, not a train, and I was getting up to exit the front door where Mr. Socrates and his fellow conversationalist continued their discussion. I nodded goodbye to all, stepped off the bus, and only realized hours later that the white-haired man was some sort of messenger, perhaps the real Socrates, and his sidekick was none other than another philosopher from 500 to 400 BC. But I wasn’t sure of his name. Until days later!
“Ain’t gonna study war no more . . .”
That was the song veterans and family members of vets sang at the retreat with Thích Nhất Hạnh at Blue Cliff Monastery, upstate New York. We formed a group which included the daughter of General William C. Westmoreland, once the commander of the Army during the Vietnam War.
Thầy held a special place for veterans from the United States who faced war and believed we could help others see the futility of all wars!
(See https://contoveros.com/2017/03/15/thich-nhat-hanh-sees-the-suffering-in-us/)
Lyrics
I’m gonna lay down my burden, down by the riverside,
Down by the riverside, down by the riverside
I’m gonna lay down my burden, down by the riverside,
I’m gonna study war no more
I ain’t a gonna study war no more, I ain’t a gonna study war no more
I ain’t a gonna study war no more, I ain’t a gonna study war no more
I ain’t a gonna study war no more, I ain’t a gonna study war no more